I’ve already broke my resolution
Oh, I feel like time flies so fast. This year, I decided to keep my goals simple and meaningful. One of them was to write in my journal every single day, without skipping a day. I wanted to build a habit of reflection and mindfulness. But by the 15th day of the year, that careful plan fell apart. Lately, I’ve been dealing with some personal struggles that make even small tasks feel overwhelming, so I ended up stopping completely. Because of that, I left the pages empty from January 16th all the way through the 30th. But that's okay. As I’m writing this, I revise my goal, it’s completely fine if I fail. What matters is that I don’t give up entirely. I can always start again, whether that means picking it back up the very next day, waiting until next week, or even beginning again next month. Life isn’t about perfect streaks, it’s about continuing to try. It looks like an excuse, but I'm trying my best.
I think I need to see a psychologist
I’m not entirely sure if I should or even want to share this, but I feel like I need to put it into words. Lately, I’ve been feeling like my life is really fucked up. A big reason is that I was supposed to have graduated by now, but I’m still stuck working on my thesis. The pressure and uncertainty sometimes make me feel like giving up completely, and I’ve even had thoughts about ending my life. For about four months now, I’ve pulled away from almost everyone. I avoid my mom and my cousin (we’re the same age), and I’ve also kept my distance from my friends. Even though I live with my dad and little sis, we don’t talk much, and we certainly don’t have deep, meaningful conversations. There’s a quiet distance between us.
Instead of facing my responsibilities, I find myself procrastinating on my laptop, escaping into building and updating this site. It’s the backstory why I'm here now, where I first started creating and expressing myself when things began to feel too heavy. I’m too scared to call my mom because I know I’ll break down crying as soon as I hear her voice. I’m truly grateful she understands and gives me space, but at the same time, I feel deeply guilty about it. Looking back, I think I might have what’s called an avoidant attachment style, or maybe disorder, where I push people away even when I need them most. It’s a pattern that’s making my life much much harder than it needs to be. I hate feeling alone, but another part of me believes that everyone has their own problems to handle and that we should be able to deal with them on our own. I feel like I should be strong enough to solve everything by myself. I know that’s not really true or healthy, but changing that mindset is difficult, especially since I’ve been this way since I was young. I’ve always tried to handle everything alone and rarely asked for help, even when I really needed it.
Before making the decision to see a psychologist, I took an online mental health screening test from mental health service via online. A few days later, the results showed strong signs of depression. The test can’t give an official diagnosis, but it was a clear signal that I should seek professional support. I haven’t going to psikologist yet for a couple of reasons. First, I used most of my savings to pay for this semester’s tuition. Second, I’m honestly scared. The idea of talking to a stranger about everything I’m feeling is intimidating, and I don’t feel fully ready yet.
Next month is Ramadan, followed by Eid al-Fitr, when my families gather, and I’ll have to see all my relatives and neighbors. I’m really anxious about being asked why I haven’t graduated yet. Part of me just wants to lock myself in my room and avoid everyone. Maybe that’s exactly why I should see a psychologist before then. Through all of this, I find comfort in my faith. I may not be the most devout person, but I’m grateful to believe in God and in life after death. In Islam, we believe in qada and qadar, that everything happens according to God’s plan with our effort too. Holding onto that belief has helped me hold on during my darkest moments and kept me away from thoughts of suicide. I also want to thank my college friend Septy. Even though I ignored some of her messages, she never stopped checking in on me. It means a lot for me that someone cares, even when I try to hide. It reminds me that I’m not completely alone, even if I still keep my distance from others.
What Should I Do?
Seeing a psychologist is non negotiable for me now. I’ve made a promise to myself to book that appointment next month. My other priorities are clear, I have to go back to Malang, where my university is, and I am determined to graduate this year, this semester. I know it's going to be tough, but I'm ready to give it everything I've got. And to anyone reading this, thank you, truly. I hope you have a happy and peaceful year (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹